WARNINGS AND DISCLAMERS


To Be A Woman

By DelShannon

Part Three - The Journal to Love


Chapter 27

When Gabrielle finally awoke from her nightmare she had no idea where she was or how long she had been there. She was dizzy and her head was throbbing painfully. She put her hand to her head and felt a sharp pain and could feel the blood on her fingers even if she couldn’t see it.

Gabrielle tried to focus on her surroundings but just couldn’t see anything. She wasn’t sure if her head injury was causing the problem or just the inky blackness of the night.

She felt around some and could find nothing that seemed familiar; she was pretty sure that she was no longer in the camp. She softly called out the warrior’s name not wanting to scare her if she was asleep like she had so many nights lately. She listened and could hear nothing. She called a little louder and still could hear nothing outside the usual noises of the night and a slight buzzing in her ears.

Gabrielle decided she needed to try to find the camp or maybe the stream where she could try to care for her pounding head. She started to stand and a wave of nausea and dizziness washed over her and she slumped back to the ground. If she couldn’t stand then maybe she could crawl but she had no idea in which direction to go, but anything seemed better than just sitting here in the middle of… the gods only knew where.

The bard crawled until her hands and knees were raw and it just hurt too much to go any further. She sat down for a few minutes to rest and again tried to get her bearings. She again called out the warrior’s name and heard nothing. She was afraid to call too loud… it might attract unwanted attention. She again tried to stand but this time the pain was enough she passed out as she slumped back to the ground.

Xena put the slashed fragment down and started looking through the rest of the pieces of parchment to see if she could find anything else that might help her figure out what had happened to Gabrielle. She finally found another piece that seemed to be from the same journal, but this one was mostly whole and a lot easier to read; the knife marks were missing.

My feelings are no longer my own, but inexplicably intertwined with the warrior’s. I’ve always enjoyed my life on the road with Xena for the most part. We’ve had problems, but we have always been able to work through them. But this last problem has been very difficult.

Xena wants to talk… but I just can’t. I don’t want her blaming herself for any more of my problems. Besides I need to work this out and prove to myself that I’ve grown up and can handle my own problems, before I can ever hope to get Xena to see or believe it.

The dreams that started when Xena died are continuing to haunt my sleep. I can’t stand the thought of Xena ever dying again. My whole life feels like it is becoming the nightmare and there just isn’t any escape.

When Xena died I realized how much she meant to me, because it felt like a part of me died with her. While trying to come to grips with the loss of my best friend… I discovered that she wasn’t just my best friend.

While Xena was dead and using Autolycus to communicate with me, Xena asked me to close my eyes and think of her. That wasn’t hard to do at all. She had been the only thing on my mind since her death. When I opened my eyes Autolycus was no longer standing in front of me… it was Xena looking just the way I remembered her.

Then Xena leaned forward and kissed me. Xena may have used Autolycus’ lips, but it was Xena that kissed me. I have never doubted that; Autolycus was even more surprised than I was when we finally separated. The kiss started a burning desire and I felt like my knees where giving out on me. I didn’t want to stop kissing her… I didn’t want it to end.

Later I tried to ignore the feelings I’d had. I was hoping that it was all caused from the excitement of seeing her again. But since then every time I look at her that fire I felt is rekindled and has showed no signs of burning out. Our skin touching even by accident just makes me feel that I'm losing control and I'll do something I'll regret. I already made a fool out of myself once and Xena was very kind about it saying that it was all her fault. It upset her badly and I can't let that happen again. If I were to slip and act on my feelings she’d send me home for sure. Besides Xena doesn’t go in for the mushy stuff.

I’m not completely sure when it happened but somewhere, some how I fell in love with the beautiful warrior whose body looks like it belongs to goddess instead of a mortal. I no longer trust the feelings that I have when I'm around her. I’ve never had to deal with these kinds of feelings before, because I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

Every time I ride on Argo with her I nearly lose myself in my feelings for her. I try to not allow myself that close to her if I can help it. If I can’t trust my actions while I’m awake, I really don’t trust myself while I sleep.

The rest of the parchment was torn away. Xena sat with tears in her eyes. Gabrielle I had no idea… why didn’t you talk to me? The warrior paused to consider what to do next. All right Gabrielle when I find you this time we TALK! This time Xena would not stop until she had found the bard. Xena made more torches and picked up the bags with the extra cloth and medical supplies. She lit a torch and headed off to the point where she’d lost Gabrielle’s tracks the last time.

When Gabrielle finally regained consciousness she could feel a warm liquid running down the side of her face and pooling under her cheek. When she tried to raise her head she felt a sharp stabbing pain that nearly caused her to black out again. Gods… I think I’m really in trouble here. OK bard you wanted so much to prove you were an adult, someone who could take care of themselves… now what in Hades are you going to do. She knew that somehow she had to find help.

With nothing but raw nerves and stubborn determination Gabrielle again started to crawl on her bloodied hands and knees toward… help she hoped. Even the thought of death was starting to have a certain appeal. It was sounding better than being killed and eaten by some wild animal or if she was lucky enough to live so long… maybe starving to death.

Gabrielle hadn’t crawled far or delved too deeply into her latest thoughts when the ground was suddenly gone from under her. Her own dizziness prevented her from realizing for a split second that she was falling and then she hit… something, pain shot through her head, she felt a searing pain in her left arm and then there was just darkness.

Along the way Xena sent a silent prayer to a goddess. Artemis you know I don’t have the tongue for prayers and have little use for gods, but this is YOUR queen I’m looking for… I could use a little help here. Arriving where she’d lost Gabrielle’s trail earlier she started searching the area to again try to pick up the bard’s tracks. As she was scouring the area the clouds parted and the full moon shone forth like a god… or goddess had finally decided to help her and parted them for her. Within a few minutes she was again on the bard’s trail.

As Xena got to what she knew would be the end of Gabrielle’s tracks her heart sank and shear panic set in. The tracks headed for a cliff that dropped about 30 feet into a rocky canyon. Xena ran the last few yards to the cliff and looked over with her heart pounding wildly in her throat.

To Xena’s amazed delight there about 5 feet below laid the little bard on a small outcropping not much bigger than the bard herself. It was painfully obvious to the warrior that from the way the bard was laying she had probably dislocated her shoulder if it wasn’t indeed broken.

Xena carefully slid off the cliff down to where the bard lay on the outcropping. She stuck the torch in the side of the cliff and began to examine the frail blood covered woman. Thank the Gods, the bard still had a fairly strong pulse, despite the loss of blood. Xena dug out some of the rags and wet them and started removing blood to try to see what the extent of Gabrielle’s injuries actually was. The bard let out a soft moan and moved only slightly as Xena was cleaning around the wound on her head. By the time she was finished cleaning off the worst of the blood Xena had already gone through a whole skin of water and had started on a second.

Xena was just happy to find that most of the injuries were relatively minor considering the amount of blood she’d removed. Gabrielle had looked like she’d gone through a battle with one of her demons and Xena might have thought she’d lost the battle except that the woman was still alive.

Gabrielle’s body was covered in cuts and scrapes the worst of these being on her hands and knees. It looked liked she either fell very hard several times or had spent a good deal of time crawling around on them or maybe even both considering the bruising… they were especially swollen and looked very painful. Xena put salve on the bard' hands and legs and then wrapped them to try to kept them from scabbing and becoming stiff. The warrior continued to search the lifeless body of the bard for more injuries, cleaning and covering the cuts and scrapes with salve.

When Xena was fairly certain nothing had been broken and that it was safe to move Gabrielle a little, she rolled her off her swollen and dislocated arm and tried to make her as comfortable as possible in the small cramped space that was available. The bard again started to moan softly as Xena tried to make her more comfortable, but never woke.

Xena continued to work on the small woman until the sun was starting to show itself over the tops of the trees. Gabrielle had still never woke up and Xena had decided that maybe it was better to let her sleep if she could until she was through with most of the ministrations to the small woman's body. Xena knew that when Gabrielle came around she would no doubt be stiff and sore and in a good deal of pain.

When Xena had finished doing what she could she moved and sat with her back against the cliff face and eased the bards head and shoulders up into her lap. She closed her eyes and slept very lightly for a while herself, waking to tend to the bard every time she even flinched.


This page was last updated: 2/25/98 17:24

Ó Copyrighted December 1997 by DelShannon


DelShannon


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