To Be A Woman
By
DelShannonPart Three - The Journal to Love
Chapter 22
After Gabrielle had finished setting up the camp and getting a fire started for dinner the bard laid down on her bedroll and got her scroll and quill out to write in her journal. The honey-blonde sat there looking at the parchment for a few minutes. There were just so many thoughts and feelings just swirling around inside of her, she needed some way to sort them out. She'd also decided if the journal was really going to help, then it would need to be truthful and honest… no matter how much it hurt.
I have traveled with Xena for over 2 cycles now and we’ve become very good friends. At least I think so most of the time.
In the beginning I might have agreed that I followed Xena out of Hero worship or some such nonsense. I had always wanted to be a bard, but had been told far too many times that girls just couldn’t be bards.
In a place where girls are no more than property owned first by their fathers and then by their husbands, is not a place where girls can grow up to be what they want in life.
Most marriages are arranged and have nothing to do with love, just like my own arranged marriage to a village boy named Perdicus. A wife, being not much better than a slave, was just not what I wanted to do with my life.
One day slavers came to our village and then suddenly here in front of me stood a woman that was a warrior and a very good one. Maybe it wasn’t the warrior herself at first that I had worshipped, but I certainly worshipped what she represented… a woman who was not someone’s property, but a strong confident woman in a man’s world.
Xena tried to send me home several times in the beginning, but there wasn’t anyway that I was leaving. I knew this was probably my only chance to leave that small village behind, find adventure and maybe, just maybe become the one thing I wanted more than anything else in life… to be a bard.
When Xena returned Gabrielle was still sitting on her bedroll writing in her scrolls. Gabrielle looked up and put her quill down and took the already cleaned rabbit from the warrior’s hand and put it over the fire to cook. The bard got in Argo’s saddlebags and got a few condiments that she added to the rabbit while it cooked. She never spoke nor even really looked at the warrior. Gabrielle then returned to her bedroll and sat down. She picked up her quill and continued to write on her parchment.
I wasn’t used to living outside in the harsh elements with animals all around, but I was determined to prove myself to the warrior. That’s not to say I didn’t manage to get into my fair share of trouble; I did tend to be a little naïve about some things, but I am learning. And what an education it has turned out to be.
Xena had just stood and watched in amazement at the bard as she had moved around the camp. Then Xena walked over and sat down on a log next to the bard’s bedroll. "Gabrielle I really think that we should try to talk."
The bard looked up with a grin on her face. "We have already talked… no… we've argued for the better part of a week. I really don't have anything to say. Besides whatever happened to the stoic warrior of few words? Who are you and what did you do with her?"
"Come on Gabrielle… I’m not that bad am I?" Xena retorted.
The bard shook her head and again concentrated on her scrolls and continued to write.
"Gabrielle… PLEASE!" the warrior, said in frustration.
Gabrielle laid down her quill and turned to face the warrior. "Ok… so talk I’m listening."
"Gabrielle why don’t you talk to me any more. Please tell me about the nightmare's that are bothering you."
"Xena I’ve told you, it's nothing but sad dreams, I’m fine. And I guess after two cycles of being together I just can’t think of anything to say any more!"
"You… a bard with nothing to say. I find that hard to believe." Xena began to chuckle.
Gabrielle frowned. "Believe what you will." She started to turn back to her scrolls and Xena caught her shoulder as she turned.
"I’m sorry Gabrielle I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything. We used to be able to talk and tease with each other. Please talk to me about what’s going on with you." A worried look was evident on the warrior’s face.
"Xena… I’m sorry. I just don’t have anything to say. Is there anything else?" the bard asked with the frown still firmly in place.
"No," the warrior said as she rose and headed back to their dinner on the fire, "I think that about covers it." Xena cut the rabbit up and put it on the plates. She gave Gabrielle hers and then went back to the other side of the fire where Gabrielle had laid the warrior's bedroll to sit down to eat.
Gabrielle only picked at her piece of rabbit and continued to concentrate instead on the scroll in front of her.
Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real… that I could actually be the Queen of the Amazon’s. My upbringing in such a small village made the fact that there were no men in the Amazon village seem rather odd. But after the first time in the village it became clear that weren't needed.
I hadn’t ever given any thought to two women being ‘together’ until Xena and I spent that first night in the Village. I knew that Xena had spent time with the Amazon’s before so I tried to talk to her to get some information. But when I tried, the warrior turned a most beautiful shade of crimson. Xena refused to discuss it with me and suggested that I go talk with some of the girls my own age.
I'd heard stories about the Amazon’s and it’s always hard to know how much of the stories you hear are real and how much is some bard’s imagination. But by the time the sounds from the first night were finally over there just wasn’t much doubt in my mind about some of the stories I’d heard being true or what two women being ‘together’ meant.
I didn’t know that there was anything that would embarrass Xena and of course, I didn’t know any of the Amazons well enough to ask them questions that obviously embarrassed me more than it had Xena.
Xena sat sharpening her sword and watching the bard write in her scrolls, but didn't try to talk to her any more. She just didn't know what else she could do at this point. Xena realized that it wasn't just the fact that the bard wasn't talking to her that was disturbing her. Gabrielle had always talked to herself while practicing on her stories whether the warrior listened or not, but even this nearly constant chatter had completely stopped.
Gabrielle was aware of the warrior sitting and watching her and was afraid Xena would again 'want to talk', so the small bard put up her scroll, laid down on her bedroll and pretended to go to sleep. The bard just couldn’t talk to Xena about the nightmare's that just brought up so many other problems. Gabrielle felt like she needed to work things out herself first. The nightmares had started with the warrior's death and that brought up bringing her back. Then there was their soul's joining to fight Velasca and… that KISS. Gabrielle had loved Xena for a long time, they were each other's family, but that kiss… that kiss had sent a searing burn right to her loins. It only awakened something that Gabrielle knew now had already been there for awhile. Besides if she told the warrior about the dreams Xena would only take the blame for them herself.
While these thoughts were running around in the bard's mind as she lay there pretending to sleep, the warrior finally laid down on her bedroll to go to sleep for the night.
For a long time the bard laid staring into the fire. Gabrielle was afraid to let sleep come, the nightmares had gotten so much worse the last few days. Besides the bard was not only trying to prove that she had become a woman to the Warrior, she was also trying to prove it to herself. Finally shear exhaustion had overcome the bard and she’d drifted off to sleep.
It wasn’t long before Xena was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream, which even in her sleep she knew belonged to the bard. With sword in hand she was on her feet in a defensive stance before she was even fully awake, ready to take on the intruders. But one look around the camp told her that it was Gabrielle having yet another nightmare and it seemed to be the worst yet. She looked over at Gabrielle who was sobbing, screaming 'NO' and trashing around wildly on the ground like she was fighting for her life with demons from Tartarus.
Xena laid her sword down at the edge of her bedroll and then went to the bard’s side to gently try to wake her without scaring her more. Xena sat down and pulled the bard up in her lap and wrapped her arms around her to stop the bard's thrashing and started to quietly talk to her. "Gabrielle… come on wake up, it's just a dream. I have you and you're safe. Gabrielle you're safe now."
When Gabrielle awoke she was embarrassed as usual that she had awakened Xena. "Xena I'm sorry that I woke you." The bard said as the sobs were still wracking her body.
"Gabrielle please tell me what's wrong." The warrior pleaded.
Gabrielle just kept apologizing for having awakened the warrior, but this was all the bard would say and refused to talk to Xena about the nightmares or what was causing them.
"Gabrielle come and lay down with me, you know it helps." The warrior asked.
"Xena I'm fine now, it was just a dream. I'm sorry I woke you, but I really don't need a nursemaid. Goodnight." The bard replied as she pushed the warrior away and laid back down on her bedroll turning her back to Xena.
Xena returned to her own bedroll and laid down. She knew that any further attempts to talk to or console the little bard were useless. Xena noticed that it seemed to take more and more to wake the bard each time from the nightmares that gripped her nightly. Neither of them had gotten much sleep for nearly a week now and as Gabrielle’s lack of sleep grew so had the wildness of her dreams.
Gabrielle again lay there afraid to shut her eyes. When the dreams had started she'd always awakened herself softly sobbing, then she got where she wouldn't awaken until she was screaming. Now the bard realized that she was sleeping through all that and was now fighting like a wild animal and it wasn't waking her up. It made her worry about how extreme her nightmares had gotten lately. Once the nightmare had her, she couldn't seem to get away from it. It made her feel that the next time it got her it might not let her go and she'd be lost in the nightmare forever.
This page was last updated: 2/18/98 16:42
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Copyrighted December 1997 by DelShannon
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