All Souls Night.

Disclaimers in Chapter One. Warning: Disturbing imagery and a bit of sap ahead.

She would always be up with the dawn. It had been a ritual as constant as the sunrise and sunset, instilled in her by a childhood working hard amongst the Pandemonium Rings Travelling Circus. She could work a full day of shucking straw, cooking meals, cleaning cages, and whatnot on but an hour of sleep. Millie, her sister, would contest her at every turn. They made a sport of everything: who could cook the fastest, who could clean the most cages, who could run the fastest from one chore to the next, who could learn this trick or that the quickest.

Millie wasn't even a month older than herself, and had always held her own...until death came nipping at their heels one autumn morning.

That morning gave her new reason to awake with the dawn, nightmares attacking her nightly, giving her no peace and no reason to keep sleeping. She'd come to dread sleep, more than the old *patron's* temper or his switch. Even those years on the back of Scooter's Harley, and later being passed from one pimp to another hadn't freed her of the fear, but left it buried instead. Bruises fade with time, cuts and breaks heal, scars remain as trophies to survival.

But how do you run from ghosts calling for you, ghosts which surround you on all sides. Or outrun flames that will never be extinguished? How do you escape these things which live only in your dreams?

Even Gabrielle couldn't free her from this. Like Scooter and the pimps, she simply added another layer of metaphorical dirt atop the fear's equally-metaphorical coffin. A *thick* layer, granted, but the fear remained there, lurking until unearthed by her dreams.

Xena opened her eyes to the morning's light, its brilliance slowly spilling into their bedroom. Her back was to Gabrielle, which immediately snapped her into full awareness and lucidity. This was *wrong*. Pretty much the wrongest (was there even such a word?) thing there ever could be, particularly in light of the decidedly erotic aches which permeated her throughout. It positively *hurt* to so much as breath, never mind break into as wide a smile as she did right then, memories of their orgasmic "dual" (as they'd come to think of their bedroom contests) filling her mind and flooding her loins.

Normally Xena would make yet another contest of stretching and enfolding her 'Queen', determined to bring her once more to the brink before the smaller woman even had a chance to open her eyes. Right then, it was terribly important that she have Gabrielle, in her arms and otherwise.

She rolled quickly from one shoulder to the other, and was rewarded by a very sincere "Oww!" accompanying the sharp impact of her right elbow against an object at once soft and hard. Xena flinched with Gabrielle's cry, and was careful to finish moving without contact on either side. Two pairs of eyes met, one quite sheepish.

The other pair, a pair of shinning emeralds belonging to the wounded party, flashed through expressions of surprise, outrage, confusion, still more outrage, and ultimately settling upon something between amusement and annoyance. The pain of a small knock on the head was little compared to the urge to laugh and curse in the same breath. It was a bubble welling up in her throat, making it difficult to simply breathe. And harder still to resist knocking her attacker across the room...and utterly ravish this beautiful creature against every available surface.

Gods, Xena was never as beautiful as in moments of shy vulnerability like that moment. Provocatively posed on one hip, balancing herself on one arm, eyes and chin cast downwards, causing her raven locks to fall across those massive shoulders and brush her breasts, half-hiding them from view. The dawn's first light streamed in behind Xena, casting a sensual glow that outlined her entire form. Innocence and temptation intermixed.

Gabrielle moistened both lips, her mouth now utterly dry from the sight. All her body's moisture was pooled in her molten core. Her skin screamed for contact, her core for release.

But Gabrielle had far stronger control than that, and so simply propped herself up on one elbow and gave Xena a stare between slitted eyelids in what she intended to be a copy of the same Xena had afixed her after throwing her unto the bed last night. Her lips remained straight line only through a determined effort of will. "Bad dream?" was her only question, which elicited a flinch from Xena as though backhanded across the cheek...with brass knuckles. Seeing this, Gabrielle felt a solid blow in the chest, her heart contracting as though squeezed between stone fists. Gods, when would she learn?!

Before any (needless) words of apology could escape her lover, Gabrielle quickly closed the distance between them and pressed against every inch of bare, bronzed skin she could manage. Her own complexion, despite centuries of sun and weather, remained cream and untouched in comparison. With the smallest 'flick' of thought she swept the hand Xena supported herself on and sent the tall woman tumbling unto her back, quickly crawling over her and hovering there. A silent dare to her lover to endure the same as she'd given.

The raw thrill which gripped Gabrielle in seeing Xena's response, her wetting both lips with a shaky tongue and leaving them parted, their trembling accompanied by poorly disguised panic seeping into those brilliant eyes, went without sign past her sly smile. This was a special thrill of Gabrielle's, the ability to provoke a sweat of anxiety from this otherwise-fearless beauty of her's.

So intent was she on continuing this scene, Gabrielle nearly missed the many silent pleas Xena's body fairly screamed. Xena's fists clenched at either side, knuckles white and arms trembling with effort not to lash out; she'd taken her bottom lip between her teeth and clenched the tender skin hard between them; the tension gripping her was a palpable entity between them, radiating from her every inch as though it were her very sweat. Gabrielle felt all of this, as well as the silent screams echoing within her love's mind, screams she interpreted as cries of need and want.

It never occurred to her that all this meant Xena might, in fact, be fighting outright terror rather than desire.

Xena floated within a sensual haze of emotion and sensation so intense it bordered on torture...but it was no longer loving passion that consumed her.

Oh, she craved Gabrielle's touch as she once had the coke she'd numbed herself on before walking her bit of street. *More*, truth be told, though not simply because she feared the price it might extract from her. For the merest brush of their hands or most chaste of kisses, Xena would gladly ransom her soul and more.

But the same passion as that in Gabrielle's eyes, so prominent in her only moments before, was now gone. In its place Xena felt only a mindless panic. The sight of her lover hovering over her reminded her of seeing a Black Widow hovering over its prey. The year she'd now spent in Gabrielle's house had given her back some small bit of self-respect, which now reared its tiny head and reacted to being laid prone and at the mercy of this woman she loved more than anything.

Xena was suddenly no longer in their bed. Her early days on the streets suddenly played themselves out in all their Technicolor horror in her eyes, consuming all thought and sensation.

One moment singled itself out among all the degradations.

*Her arms stretched out between twin posts of thick muscles, wrists gripped by hands of iron.*

*The bite of leather and razor barb against her naked flesh.*

*The screams coming with each strike of the whip. Screams coming from her. Screams coming from the one behind her. Wildcat screams.*

*On the cold stone floor. Panting. Bleeding. Delirious on coke and pain. Lying a puddle of blood and cum-juices.*

*The Wildcat hovering over her on all fours, brown eyes wide.*

*Saying "Why am I doing this to you?" Brown eyes which were all innocence. "Because I bought you. Because I own you." Then screaming "BECAUSE YOU LOOK! JUST! LIKE! HER!"*

*The Wildcat keeps screaming.*

*And hurts her some more.*

Suddenly it wasn't Gabrielle crouching over her, teasing and loving her...it was the Wildcat who touched her now...who aroused her and made her feel like cockroaches crawled beneath her skin...

And she couldn't move, because the Wildcat would hurt her even worse if she tried. So Xena lay there, body still but sweating, eyes closing of their own accord, lungs working too hard, limbs frozen from the same cold which froze all thought.

Xena's sudden hyperventilating was the first clue, though this was clear to Gabrielle only in hindsight. Xena, who to this point had watched everything with wide, almost panicky eyes, sudden closed them and went completely still. Gabrielle's practiced eyes caught her jaw working beneath the skin, clenching and unclenching. The skin about those closed eyes bunched tight, the brow above them furrowed into a strata of wrinkles.

Had she been even a hair more drunk on her desire for Xena just then, Gabrielle was certain she would missed the true meaning of all these tiny signals, perhaps even to the point of *forcing* another tumble between them. Instead, she yielded to the small voice of caution and, in a whisper softer than a breath, called "Xena?"

In response, Xena flinched from crown to toes as though struck with a cattle prod.

Gabrielle wanted to do several things all at once: to tear apart every bastard and bitch who'd ever laid a hand on her love; to seek out the Fates and tear Xena's cord from their capricious weave; scream and cry until her lungs bled for the pain her love now endured; somehow take all that pain into herself and never *ever* let her feel it again...

Instead all she could do was call again, even softer. "Xena?" No flinch this time, but her jaw clenched even tighter (if that were even physically possible), and Gabrielle caught sight of the tears welling in those beautiful, if hidden eyes. This emboldened her, as cold fear always does. "Xena, please look at me." Steady as Gabrielle's tone was, the plea there might as well have been shouted from the mountaintops and echoed through a thousand valleys.

Xena opened her eyes, beholding her through a film of tears, and as quickly shut them again. She rolled to her side, her back once more to Gabrielle, and curled into a tight fetal ball. All this happening so quickly Gabrielle could do nothing save sit back, her curled legs under her and eyes wide and watching.

Xena was shaking now, and no longer hyperventilating. Rather Gabrielle heard soft breaths in tempo with the tremors that gripped Xena's huddled form. Soft breaths, and the sobs they fed.

Every nerve in Gabrielle sung out in pain right then, while tears slowly tracked down her own cheeks. She took several heartbeats to collect herself before trying to speak again, knowing calm and clarity of voice was needed now, and not the hysteria which threatened to grip her. "Xena?" Gabrielle again whispered, again with uncloaked plea. She boldly reached a hand out to her love's shoulder, but stopped short of actually touching its smooth surface. "Please..." She gulped for air. "Please...look at me. Please."

She whispered it over and over again, praying with ever-escalating desperation to Artemis that the words would be heard. Her own tears increased with every repetition, as did her fears for her love.

Eventually the tight play in Xena's shoulders and back loosened, though slowly, and the sobs subsided. She still shook, though not as violently. Whether it was minutes or hours later didn't matter in the least to Gabrielle, who breathed silent prayers to the Gods as she watched Xena uncurl. When finally Xena was fully in repose, not unlike she'd been only minutes earlier, did Gabrielle risk gently brushing her fingertips across the bronzed and flushed flesh at her shoulder. She fully expected Xena to curl back up and go completely catatonic.

Xena lay there on her side, unresponsive to her lover's touch.

Gabrielle felt the hysteria ready to break loose from her every pore. She collected herself only with great effort, managing to speak as calmly as before. "Please," was her final plea, knowing she could keep herself calm no longer, that the next sound she would utter would be banshee screams. Already her own shoulders were tensed and fists balled, ready to pound everything in sight into so much scrap.

But Xena turned, facing Gabrielle fully, and the sight bringing new tears to the latter. Xena's were simply too puffed and bloodshot to allow more to come, her bronzed cheeks discolored by the countless tracks there. Her full lips were pressed into an uneven line, something hovering between utter despair and simple blankness.

It was nearly enough to undo Gabrielle, not knowing which was worse. She didn't dare trust her voice, lest it crack and she herself be thrown again into tears. Nor did she have the least idea what to say. What *could* she say right then? Hades, Gabrielle didn't even have a clue as to what brought all this on in the first place.

All she could do was hold those treasured eyes for as long as the other would allow, trying to communicate words she could not form with voice-words of comfort, of understanding, of love-through her eyes. Eyes which were quickly going blind for the tears there.

Xena met Gabrielle's eyes with all the resignation of the condemned and soon-to-be executed, expecting anything from disgust to plain indifference there. Instead there were only tears...and something else. Fear, confusion, raw pain, and desperation were all there, side-by-side with acceptance, comfort...and unconditional love. How she could read such things, she who had been an emotionless whore and plaything, was beyond Xena just then. She saw and understood it all, especially the question behind it all, as easily as if Gabrielle spoke it.

Xena read the question. Not the "What did I do?" or "Are you alright?" or "What can I do?" which covered the real question. Xena brushed those aside, suddenly bold and unwilling hide within herself as she had after rolling away from Gabrielle. Only Gabrielle's voice, strained and desperate as it had sounded, had called her back from that numbness so quickly.

She'd caused Gabrielle pain, the sin of sins, and all because she couldn't handle a few bad memories. If Gabrielle threw her out for it, Xena wouldn't be the least surprised. This newfound resolve didn't stop the tears from flowing again when she managed to get her voice working. It didn't stop her from shaking from the memories and phantom-wounds which ached once again. It didn't stop her reaching blindly out for Gabrielle, even knowing she'd pull away in disgust.

"She...hurt...me." That was all she could manage, and then lost herself to the pain and fear again.

Only distantly did Xena realize Gabrielle's arms were around her the instant the words had come out, wrapping her tight and cradling her.

The way Gabrielle held her...it wasn't the way one would with a despairing child, gently if distantly. Gabrielle was *clinging* to her, as if for dear life, as if she were trying to absorb Xena into herself. Gabrielle was shaking as well, even harder, and her sharp ears caught sobs intermixed with her own. And were those fresh tears that dripped down unto her hair?

When the distance between feeling and realization was closed, when Xena understood, her own arms snaked about the smaller woman of their own accord. She buried herself into Gabrielle's breast, not caring how pathetic she knew she must look, and now gave herself fully to the tears rather than simply be consumed by them.

She'd nearly calmed when she heard the words Gabrielle had been muttering into her hair. "I love you. Please don't leave me." Over and over and over again.

It brought more tears. Xena welcomed them this time, letting them cleanse her now as they should have long ago.