by badbard

WARNING/DISCLAIMER:- Despite the best efforts of the Censor er that is Centaur, Gabby and Xena go all the way on the subtext. Needless to say, there is nothing subtexty (I made that word up) about the subtext! Xena, Gabrielle, Phantes, Salmoneus, Autolycus, Ares, Joxer (don't worry - he dies, all the really good ones die young, heh heh), Callisto (wrote this when she was alive and godlike) and the backstory belong to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures and are used here for non-profit entertainment purposes. Xena lives up to her bloody past and hacks some rather unnecessary characters into pieces - can you blame her? Do you stay in control 24 hours a day, 24 days a week? (Wait, don't tell me, Math never was my strong suit). My jokes about the writers are all directed towards the character Autolycus, or 'writer of the week' if you will. Personally, I think the writers are a mighty talented bunch: they are a big reason why X:WP is my fave show. Things get a little out of control here (read the script to find out more!) and if you have a problem with that, please feel free to contact my agent (for lack of a better expletive) on his/her/its fake non-existent phone number which I naturally have forgotten to include here. One 4 letter word is almost said 3 times - only to further the 'plot', I assure you. This is a comic script and parody detailing the making of the show. I'm beginning to think that Xena and Gabrielle were xex-crazed weasels in another life...laugh on!

XENA

Gabrielle, why are you still wearing that ridiculous excuse for a hat?

GAB

I like it.

XENA (SARCASTICALLY)

You would. You made it. C'mon Gabrielle, take it off.

GAB

Xena! Well, if you say so...(BEGINS STRIPPING)

PHANTES (FROM BEHIND A LARGE HORSE-SHAPED BUSH)

Stop that. People are watching!

GAB (WINKS AT XENA)

I'm counting on it.

XENA

Damn the bloody censor, er uh I mean centaur.

GAB

Look Xena, I've got 3 very important reasons not to take my hat off.

XENA ARCHES AN EYEBROW

GAB

Firstly, I'm sick and tired of extras comin' up to me and pattin' me on the head like I'm some sort of Zeus-damned kitten.

XENA

That reminds me. I brought a big ball of rope er string for us to play with later - kitten.

GAB

Whatta bargain! I mean er if anybody tries to pat me on the head condescendingly, they'll cut their fingers off on your chakram. Which reminds me, y'know how your chakram is my hat's centerpiece?

XENA (GRATINGLY)

Yes.

GAB

Your chakram always returns to you, right? I figured I'd make like a chakram and...

XENA (GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

I like it. What's your third reason?

GAB

Just something I wanna hear you say to me, 'bout my hat.

XENA

Give me my chakram this instant?

GAB

Guess again.

XENA

I hate guessing games.

GAB

Really?! That's not what you said last night when we were...

PHANTES (HURRIEDLY BREAKS IN)

Ladies, ladies, the subtext is meant to be subtle.

XENA

Since when have I been subtle? Come out from cowering behind that prop and I'll give you subtle.

GAB (IN CONFUSION)

Phantes? Aren't you meant to be dead?

PHANTES (BITINGLY)

Aren't you meant to be dead? Isn't Xena? Aren't all those re-occurring extras? So I resurrected myself, so what? Everybody does it. Get with the program, girly!

GAB (DANGEROUSLY)

What did you just call me? (ADVANCES ON PHANTES MENACINGLY, REMOVING CHAKRAM FROM HER HAT IN THE PROCESS)

QUICK SWITCH TO OFTEN USED FOOTAGE OF XENA RIDING GABRIELLE...OOPS I MEAN ARGO, WHILE GAB TAGS ALONG BEHIND, WEARING HER ORIGINAL COSTUME. MOVING MUSIC SWELLS IN THE BACKGROUND.

JOXER IS PUSHED OUT OF A NEARBY TAVERN'S WINDOW AND LANDS ON HIS BACKSIDE AT XENA'S FEET.

XENA

Gabrielle, I think I'm reverting.

GAB

Who could blame you?

XENA WITHDRAWS SWORD AND PREPARES TO CHOP UP A STUPIDLY GRINNING JOXER. GABRIELLE RUBS HER HANDS TOGETHER IN GLEE. PHANTES HASTILY INTERRUPTS FROM BEHIND A HORSE-SHAPED HUT.

PHANTES

Pssssst. Gabby. You have to stop Xena. You don't believe in killing, remember?

GAB

I've decided to re-evaluate my belief system.

PHANTES (HISSES)

Gabrielle! Children are watching.

GAB

So are lesbies but are we allowed to get hot and heavy on screen? Noooooo. In case you haven't figured it out yet, Joxer annoys the Hades out of me. He's a Zeus-damned health hazard. Xena's saving this entire village from an epidemic. It's a mercy killing.

PHANTES

But he's our only actor who'll act for nothing.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE STILL STUPIDLY GRINNING JOXER WHO LOOKS HAPPY TO SEE THE INSANELY GRINNING WARRIOR.

GAB

You call that acting? Push off, Phantes, I heard Ephiny's somewhere in this scene - go do whatever it is you two do together. (GOES BACK TO XENA) Chop him up into teeny-weeny pieces. We can't have the authorities identifying him, not that anyone' actually going to report him missing.

QUICK SWITCH TO REPLAYED SENTIMENTAL SHOTS OF JOXER GETTING BASHED IN THE NOSE BY GABRIELLE AND POUNDED IN THE CROTCH BY XENA. JOXER THE MIGHTY PLAYS LOUDLY IN THE BACKGROUND BUT CAN'T QUITE DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF JOXER'S AGONISED SCREAMS AND GABRIELLE'S FIENDISH GIGGLING.

XENA & GABRIELLE ARE APPROACHED BY YET ANOTHER ANGRY WARLORD AND HIS BAND OF MURDEROUS THUGS.

XENA (ANNOYED)

Goody. The icing on this week's episode.

WARLORD

Do you remember me, warrior witch?

XENA (BLUNTLY)

No.

GAB

I've gotta have a drink.

WARLORD

It's me, Xena.

XENA

No, I'm Xena.

WARLORD

No, it's me.

XENA (IN BOREDOM)

How nice for you. Now spit it out. Whatta you want?

WARLORD (SPITS & GIVES TOOTHY LEER)

I want you, Xena.

GAB

Ooooooh, you're disgusting. Not to mention predictable.

XENA (ROLLS HER EYES)

Of course he wants me, what else? The writers really are a dim-witted bunch.

GAB

Y'know, Xena, it doesn't really surprise me that everybody wants you.

XENA (EYES NARROW)

What are you saying?

GAB (SIGHS)

Do your one-liners have to be revamped quite so often?

XENA

I have many skills.

GAB

Yeah and original conversation is not one of them. Xena, let me make this simple for you. I want you.

XENA (WITH AN ANNOYING SMILE)

What are you saying?

GAB (IN EXASPERATION)

I wanna fuck you.

PHANTES (BARRACKS OUT FROM BEHIND HORSE-SHAPED HUT)

Cut! Gabrielle, I'm shocked. You're an innocent.

GAB

Here's my quill. Why don't you stick it up your rump?

PHANTES (HEAD IN HOOVES, OR DO I MEAN HANDS?)

This is not working. Stick to the script.

WARLORD (WHINING)

But the script makes me out to be so one-dimensional.

XENA HIGH-KICKS THE WARLORD CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OVER.

XENA

You are, dummy. Now Gabrielle, back to what you were saying.

GAB

I really really really wanna fu...

QUICK CUT TO EXCERPTS FROM THE CREDITS: XENA WIGGLING INTO HER LEATHER BODICE WITH A CLOSE UP ON HER BREASTPLATE AS GABRIELLE'S VOICE CUTS CLEARLY THROUGH THE THEME MUSIC, "I WANNA FUCK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN".

PHANTES (INCENSED)

Autolycus! That's not what I told you to insert over that censored, er centaured bit. I'm in charge of all you writers.

AUTOLYCUS (INSINCERELY)

Sorry, old man, er ah old horse, er man-horse, y'know what I mean. It's just that ever since I smooched Gabby, I've felt really left out. I wanted to know what was going on between those two so I left the audio in. Wowee, I never guessed, well ok, I guessed, even imagined in graphic detail, but y'know I just had to hear it for myself. What's the big deal? Our ratings are soaring!

PHANTES

I'm the censor, argh, centaur for Zeus' sake! I've gotta protect the public.

AUTOLYCUS (SAGELY)

Ahhh yes, those sudden climaxes can be murder - literally.

PHANTES (IRRITABLY)

That's not what I meant. I think we better introduce a new character into this show. A new heterosexual character. Maybe some poor youth that falls madly in love with, 'the blonde widow'.

AUTOLYCUS

Won't work. All the young guys know about Gabby's track record. She scares the Hades outta 'em. What about a new chap climbin' into Xena's bedroll while Gabby snores her head off?

PHANTES

Maybe. I heard Marcus mutter as Xena drove the knife into his heart, "Whoa boy, is this ever worth it!" He died with such an obscene grin on his face.

AUTOLYCUS (LEERS)

I volunteer to be Xena's new boy-toy.

PHANTES

You're already the king of thieves.

AUTOLYCUS (DEFENSIVELY)

Yeah, I'm a script-writer, so what? Stop dissin' me.

PHANTES (SIGHS DEFEATEDLY)

Go and boast about the size of your 'toothpick' to someone, Autolycus. I've just employed myself as the new narrator. Maybe now we'll hear some worthwhile lines.

XENA & GABRIELLE STRADDLE A BENCH AND SIT PRESSED UP AGAINST EACH OTHER. SALMONEUS JOINS THEM.

SAL

Xena, could you pleeeeease come help me with this little problem I'm having?

XENA (GAZING INTO GABRIELLE'S EYES)

Nobody can help you with that problem, Salmoneus.

GAB

Maybe you can grow past it.

PHANTES (WARNINGLY, FROM BEHIND A HORSE-SHAPED BARREL OF ALE)

Move it along, move it along. Let's keep the subtext, subtexty, okaaay?

XENA (WICKEDLY)

Fine with me.

XENA SHOVES A HAND IN SALMONEUS' FACE AND PUSHES HIM THROUGH THE FLIMSY TAVERN WALL. THEN SHE MOVES AWAY FROM A DISAPPOINTED GABRIELLE.

XENA (SCANS THE BAR FIERCELY)

Where's that centaur dropping, what's-his-face?

WARLORD (POPS UP FROM BEHIND THE BAR)

It's me.

XENA

What are you saying?

SHE HEFTS HER SWORD AND CHEERFULY DECAPITATES HIM.

XENA (MOCK WORRY)

Oh no, he's badly hurt! I need a bandage. Let me see...

HER GLINTING BLUE EYES COME TO REST ON GAB'S CROP TOP

XENA

Gabrielle, quickly, hand me your top!

GAB (DOUBTFULLY)

I don't know how to tell you this Xena, but he doesn't have a head.

XENA (TEARS THE TOP FROM AN UNRESISTING BARD)

Maybe I can stop the bleeding!

PHANTES WOULD HAVE CALLED, 'CUT' BUT HE IS TRANSFIXED BY THE SIGHT OF GABRIELLE'S CREAMY BREASTS. XENA TOSSES THE TOP OVER THE DEAD WARLORD'S FACE AND CROSSES TO GABRIELLE.

XENA

Gabrielle! Your skirt's on fire!

XENA REMOVES HER BREAST DAGGER AND SLICES OFF GABBY'S SKIRT. THE WARLORD HAS STOPPED PRETENDING TO BE DEAD AND IS NOW WATCHING AVIDLY THROUGH THE TOP'S FADED MATERIAL. SALMONEUS IS PRESSED UP TO THE SALMONEUS-SHAPED HOLE IN THE TAVERN WALL, OGGLING. PHANTES IS DROOLING.

GAB

I don't see any smoke, Xena.

XENA

That's not the kind of fire I meant, Gabrielle. Take your boots off.

GAB

Why? Do you need them to scoop up water, to put out the fire on my skirt or wash the blood off that warlord's neck?

XENA (FONDLY)

That's my bard. But no, I just wanna see your feet. It's a princess thing.

GAB (PULLS OFF HER BOOTS WHILE XENA WATCHES WITH HOODED EYES)

Xena? Aren't you forgetting something?

XENA

You can keep your hat on.

GAB

That's the third thing! Oh, Xena, I knew you'd get it sooner or later!

GABRIELLE LEAPS TOWARDS THE WARRIOR, SENDING HER HURTLING TO THE FLOOR WITH THE BARD WRITHING ON TOP.

XENA (FACES THE CAMERA)

Oh Gabrielllllllllllllllllle, you just ahhhhh saved myyyyyyy whooh life by er uh yesssssss knockin' me uhmmmmmmm outta the way of all those, Zeus, don't stop, er pointy things flyin' mmmmmm towardds my ahhhhhh breasts, that is I mean er my evil spot yesssssssssssssssssss that's it, oh yessssss, oooooh and now you're protectin' me by layin', by the gods, on top of me and wrigglin' like a ...ahhhhhhh have mercy, do it, Gabrielle!

QUICK SWITCH TO LOCAL GREECIAN/NEW ZEALAND NATIONAL PARK SCEENERY. PHANTES VOICE DRONES OVERHEAD.

PHANTES

"And so Gabrielle, Xena: Warrior Princess' loyal companion and best friend who was like a sister to her, saved Xena's life."

XENA (GLEEFULLY)

I couldn't have gone for another Zeus-blasted day without relieving a little xexual tension.

GABRIELLE (WHINGES)

What about me, Xena?

XENA (PURRS)

Hang on, Gabrielle. (SQUIRMS OUT OF HER LEATHER AND BRASS WITH DIFFICULTY) No wonder I hate this costume. Spread it, Gabrielle, it's about time you get what's been comin' to you.

QUICK SWITCH TO CALLISTO AND ARES WALKING HAND IN HAND DOWN THE ROAD TO THE VILLAGE.

ARES

When I said you were like a cold fish, I only meant it in comparison to Xena.

CALLISTO (SNARLS AND PULLS HAND AWAY)

Oh thanks alot, Ares!

ARES

You're welcome. I know you're trying to be exactly like Xena, Cal and you've almost got it down pat. You just need a little more experience in that area. I mean, I didn't suggest she become the goddess of desire for no reason. Ever wonder why she's known as the, 'Conqueror of more than half of the entire population of the known world'?

CALLISTO

Why are the cameras on us?

PHANTES (NARRATES TO FILL THEM IN)

"Ares and Callisto both wanted to get Xena and Gabby so they joined forces - again." Who wrote this drivel?

AUTOLYCUS

Gimme a break. My mind and my eyes were on other things. Besides, you don't get 'Shakespeare' in one commercial break.

PHANTES (ANGRILY)

How could I know that they would get so involved in the subtext?

AUTOLYCUS, ARES & CALLISTO (TOGETHER)

Did Xena cut off the flow of blood to your brain?

ARES (MUTTERS JEALOUSLY)

It's not like it hasn't happened before, repeatedly.

PHANTES (NARRATES)

"Ares, the mighty god of war and Callisto, the mad bitch, were arguing about Xena and Gabby."

CALLISTO (GLOWERS AT HORSE-SHAPED BUSH AND HISSES)

Mad bitch, me? Hisssss!

PHANTES (NERVEOUSLY)

Autolycus wrote this sop, not me! Besides, (GAINS CONFIDENCE) that is your job description, isn't it?

ARES (READING FROM TELECASTER, BADLY DISGUISED AS A TREE)

Yo, mad bitch, I really wish I had Xena on her knees before me, begging me to use my sword on her.

PHANTES (WARNINGLY)

Autolycus! There's a reason we're not still shooting in that tavern. Are you completely insane?

AUTOLYCUS

Well, like I said, boss-man er horse, you don't exactly get quality in an add break. Wait, it gets better.

PHANTES

It'd better.

CALLISTO (SQUINTING)

I can't see the furkin' tree.

ARES (PULLS HER CLOSER)

So why don't you wear contacts?

CALLISTO

I'm trying to be like Xena, fool! Does she wear contacts?

ARES (DREAMILY)

You've got a point...

CALLISTO (WINDS A CURL AROUND ONE FINGER)

No, you do.

THEY GRIN AT EACH OTHER AND BEGIN TO SMOOCH. PHANTES INTERRUPTS IN EXASPERATION.

PHANTES

Stick to the script. (UNDER HIS BREATH) I swear, someone's spiking the water supply with henbane.

CALLISTO (SCRUNCHES UP HER EYES)

Uh yeah, Ares, oh powerful one, let's screw with 'em.

ARES

What exactly did you have in mind?

CALLISTO (STARES VERY HARD AT TREE)

Let's bill, no uh fill, er grill, um swill, no er kill, that's it, kill Gabby.

ARES

Are you sure it's not the grill? Ho-hum, some gods get all the luck. (MUTTERS UNDER BREATH) Stupid Dahok got to screw with her...what about me? I've got godly needs too!

PHANTES (PULLS AUTOLYCUS BEHIND HIS HORSE-SHAPED BUSH)

That's it? That's your brilliant save? Kill the show's co-star?! Xena will have your head and your 'toothpick'!

AUTOLYCUS

Whoa there, pony. Gabby doesn't die permanently.

PHANTES (BETWEEN GRITTED TEETH)

Look, toothpick, we can't kill Gabby every single week. It's getting a tad unbelievable, to say the least.

AUTOLYCUS

We're back on air.

PHANTES

Alrighty, people, prepare to kill the co-star!

ARES, CALLISTO AND SALMONEUS WAIT IMPATIENTLY AS XENA & GABBY FINALLY EXIT THE TAVERN. GABBY IS WEARING XENA'S BRASS PLATING OVER HER RIPPED CLOTHES. XENA ACTUALLY LOOKS HAPPY.

ARES

Over here, Xena, Irritating Blonde. We've come to screw with you.

XENA (ARCHES EYEBROW)

A fivesome?

CALLISTO

I never thought I'd say this, pretty Xena, but you're right...fives too many...

CALLISTO DRAWS HER DAGGER FROM HER BOOT-SHEATH AND SLICES SALMONEUS' THROAT.

CALLISTO

Better?

XENA

Much.

CALLISTO (INVITINGLY)

Why don't you come over here, Gabby?

GAB

Xena, I don't trust her.

PHANTES (COACHES)

Listen, Gabrielle, you're totally naive - okaaaay?

GAB

That's not what you said when Xena and Ephiny were outta town fightin' Cricus.

XENA (BELOWS)

What?!

SHE GRABS GABRIELLE'S CHAKRAM/HAT AND HURLS IT AT THE HORSE-SHAPED BUSH.

PHANTES

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

GAB

You fixed him, Xena. Hee hee hee hee hee!

PHANTES

Ugghhhh Gabby, you're meant to be good, uhhhhh remember?

GAB (DEMANDING)

Am I good, Xena?

XENA

You are so good, Gabrielle.

CALLISTO

I'll second that.

PHANTES (MOANING)

Eughhh, how would you know?

CALLISTO

I'm the actor who played Xena possessing my body, right?

PHANTES (WHIMPERS)

Ow, right.

CALLISTO

And Gabby does tend to take the subtext seriously...

XENA (DANGEROUSLY)

What are you saying?

GAB

Don't listen to her, Honey-bunny, she's just trying to tear us apart.

CALLISTO

More like I'm trying to tear you apart, Gabby-Wabby - and succeeding!

CALLISTO PULLS HER DAGGER FROM SALMONEUS' NECK AND TOSSES IT AT THE STUPEFIED BARD. IT CATCHES HER IN THE THROAT AND SHE STARES DOWN AT IT IN SHOCK. CHAOS REIGNS.

ARES

Awwww, Cal Sweetie, you promised me I could do it!

CALLISTO (EVILLY)

You still could, big boy, she's not dead yet.

ARES (RUNS A HAND THROUGH HIS GOATEE)

I'm not friggin' Hermes for Zeus' sake!

GAB (GASPING)

I think I'm, I think I'm d...d...

XENA (DESPERATELY)

What are you saying?

GAB (SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Oh just kill me now, why don't ya?! I'm dyin' here and all you can say is that stupid line. Sometimes I just wanna...I just wanna...

XENA

What are you saying?

GAB

Shut up and kiss me.

XENA YANKS OUT THE KNIFE IN GAB'S THROAT AND THEY KISS PASSIONATELY AS MOVING MUSIC SWELLS IN THE BACKGROUND. SPURTING BLOOD PAINTS THE SCENE A LOVELY ROMANTIC SCARLET.

PHANTES (WHIMPERS OUT A NARRATION)

Xena eurghhh gave Gabby owwie owwie owwie mouth to mouth but alas, to no, ouch, avail.

GABRIELLE AND XENA BREAK APART AND STARE DEEPLY INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.

GAB

I don't have much time, Xena. Better make it a quickie.

XENA (BENDS TOWARDS GAB WITH A SPARKLE IN HER EYES)

Righto.

PHANTES (LOUDER)

But to no ouch avail, ow ow ow!

SALMONEUS (SITS UP)

Oh c'mon, Phantes, what's the difference? An extra minute of life, another week, in my case another season even!

PHANTES

Shut up, you and lie still. Owwww.

CALLISTO (GOES OVER TO WHERE GABBY AND XENA ARE EMBRACING)

Hey, Gabby, I am a goddess y'know. Maybe I could kiss it better. (NUZZLES GAB'S EAR) Give you a little xexual healing.

XENA (GROWLS)

There's nothing wrong with her ear, Callisto.

CALLISTO

You want her last few moments on earth to be pleasurable, don't you, Xena?

GAB

Xeeeeeeenaaaaaaaaa! I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

XENA

Whoops, sorry Gabrielle. How's...this?

GAB (THROATILY)

I'm in Elysia!

CALLISTO

Uh, Gabby, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, seein' as how I murdered you and all but you're not dead yet. You're not in Elysia.

GAB

Ok then. I'm in Xena!

PHANTES (PANICKING)

This isn't in the script! (NARRATES) "And so loyal Gabby vamoosed and joined her long list of ex-boyfriends in Elysia." Autolycus, this is meant to be touching!

AUTOLYCUS (WATCHING THE BUSY THREESOME)

It is touching. Lots and lots of touching.

PHANTES

We have a time limit. Ares, do something!

ARES

Gladly. (LAUGHS AND PULLS A MACHINE GUN OUT OF HIS TIGHT LEATHER PANTS)

ARES SPRAYS THE THREESOME WITH BULLETS. XENA & CALLISTO TURN TO GLARE AT HIM. GABBY DROPS DEAD.

XENA (ANGUISHED)

Noooooooo! Gabrielllllllllllllllllle!

CALLISTO NUDGES HER APPREHENSIVELY.

CALLISTO

Chill, Xena. The Gabster's not really dead. (WHISPERS) She's faking it. (LOUDLY) She'll always be alive in our hearts.

PHANTES

Uh, Callisto, you're slipping just a tad out of character with that soppy stuff.

CALLISTO

Oooops. Hey, Xena, I killed your love and it was lotsa fun!

XENA (FROWNING DOWN AT GABBY'S BODY)

She's faking it?

CALLISTO (ROLLS EYES)

Oh get a grip, Xena. I didn't mean she was faking that.

XENA (IMMENSELY RELIEVED)

Thank the gods.

ARES

Gratitude accepted. Now about me shooting you through every organ, Xena... Callisto's immortal so she's still standing - fine, fine. But you're mortal and should be convulsing in the dust.

XENA (CRAZY GLINT IN EYE)

How many ways can you kill a god?

ARES (BACKING AWAY)

You can't. Xena...Xena calm down, take deep breathes, Xena this is just a TV show, Xena? Xena, are you listening to me? Mummy! I don't wanna die!

PHANTES (CONCERNED FOR THE SAFETY OF HIS SUPER-VILLAIN, ARES)

Pssssst, Autolycus. What happens next?

AUTOLYCUS (WITH RELISH)

Xena flays Ares to ribbons with his own sword, rips off Callisto's arm and beats her unconscious with it, mutiliates Salmoneus' corpse for kicks and generally reverts into the Destroyer of Nations.

PHANTES (YAWNS)

Same old, same old. You writers really are a dim-witted bunch. Then what happens?

AUTOLYCUS (IN TREPIDATION)

That's it.

PHANTES (DISBELIEVINGLY)

You're kidding. Is there a second part then? What's the ciffhanger?

AUTOLYCUS

Xena licks the blood from her sword, stares into the camera and snarls, "I'm comin' for you next. Nobody's safe. I'll conquer the whole friggin' world!"

PHANTES (LOSES HIS TEMPER)

Look, toothpick, people watch this show because Xena's a bad gal gone good. They relate to her struggle against the darkness. No-one watches it so she can threaten them. It's too unrealistic. No-one will take her threats seriously.

XENA (STARES AT PHANTES AND WHISPERS WICKEDLY)

I know where you live!

PHATES (GOES VERY PALE)

I'm cutting out of town.

CALLISTO IS YAWNING AS XENA HACKS AT A SOBBING ARES

CALLISTO (TO WORLD IN GENERAL)

Y'know, I never realised this before but if Xena reverts then she'll be crazy like me. I won't be able to torture her anymore. Where's that mouthy bard when you need her?

PHANTES (CAUTIOUSLY)

You slit her throat.

CALLISTO (DISMISSIVELY)

Oh that. Easily fixed. I'm a goddess afterall.

CALLISTO ELECTROCUTES GABBY WHO RISES TO HER FEET IN A BLAZE OF GLORY AND SCREAMS IN ECSTACY.

GAB

Now I'm in Elysia. Talk about sparks!

XENA STOPS HACKING ARES' QUIVERING CORPSE AND RUSHES OVER TO GABRIELLE.

XENA (THROWS ARMS AROUND BARD)

Gabrielle! You're back! How was it?

GAB

Put it this way, Xena, now I know I'm not a virgin.

PHANTES (NARRATES)

"So the best friends were reunited and continued their weekly explorations through the national park, searching for bad guys so they could kick some ass." Enough already, Autolycus!

CLOSE UP OF GABBY AND XENA PLAYING TONGUE HOCKEY.

PHANTES

Please ladies! After all we've been through today, could we just have a nice little shoulder patting before the closing credits?

GAB (IMPERIOUSLY)

Come closer, Xena, so I can reach.

GABRIELLE'S ROVING HANDS SLIP FROM XENA'S SHOULDERS TO FONDLE HER UNDER HER REPLACED BREASTPLATE.

PHANTE (AGHAST)

Get your paws out of there! This is rated PG for Zeus' sake!

GAB (SNARLS)

I've had enough. (SHE LEAPS INTO THE HORSE-SHAPED BUSH)

XENA GAPES AFTER HER AND TRYS TO CONTROL HER PANTING. SOON GABRIELLE EMERGES FROM THE BUSH PULLING AN ABASHED PHANTES BEHIND HER BY ONE NOSTRIL.

GAB (EXCITEDLY)

Look, Xena! He's not even a real censor er centaur! He's just some guy facing a horse's cropped backside with a fur cover thrown on for a not so dramatic effect.

AUTOLYCUS (TO PHANTES)

You're so pathetic.

CALLISTO (THOUGHTFULLY)

Who would have guessed? There's no such thing as censors uh y'know what I mean by now...centaurs.

GAB (LICKS HER LIPS)

There isn't? Goody! (ADVANCES ON XENA)

XENA (BACKS AWAY WITH HANDS UP)

Now Gabrielle, keep your hat on...

THE END

NOTE TO READERS: Yep, I know centaurs are created by computer graphics, ah'm just playin' in my own little world and here comes ma therapist to take me away - right on time.

If u wanna make a comment or give me some constructive criticism, e-mail me on badbard@hotmail.com. Willing to be fed, 'cause we bacchaes have a ferocious appetite. Also, if you're an ultimate Gabby fan, like me, e-mail me to get details about the GabsClan mailing list, 'cause every loyal subject of the Queen should join.

Pick a sequel title: You can keep your staff up! or Insatiable: Warrior Princess or Gabby weilds a mean whacker...sorry, brain going into overload...*EG* Thanks for entertaining yourself here - come again!