WARNING/DISCLAIMER:-
Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer, Salmoneus, Phantes, Ephiny and the backstory belong to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. Aphrodite, Ares and Hercules are supposedly myths and as such belong to the annals of time. This comic piece of fan fiction is written for non-profit entertianmental purposes.

Humour Alert: If you don't like to laugh don't read this or alternatively, gag yourself before you start to read. Subtext is an essential ingredient of this story so be aware and beware. Love between two consenting adult women also takes place frequently so stay away if you don't hold this view on xex. By all means post this on your site, provided you include the Warning/Disclaimer and give me due credit and notification. Prepare to see the world through equine eyes...

"C'mon Gabrielle, jump on, you must be getting tired by now," ordered the Warrior Princess. Argo gave a disgruntled snort. How do you think I feel, Xena who's not getting any Leaner? You think I WANT to lug the little Green-eyed eating-Machine around too?

"Why Argo, you naughty gal!" berated an amused voice in the horse's swiveling ear. The mare was not impressed when Aphrodite shimmered into being, right in front of her. The disinterested steed plowed right through the fuming goddess. Aphrodite promptly winked out like a bedtime candle and reappeared at Argo's nose, bending down to stare into cynical choclately brown eyes. "Show a little respect for the goddess of love." Argo issued a snickery whicker. Goddess of LOVE, my hoof! You wouldn't know the meaning of love if it was riding on top of you, trying to contort itself into an impossible position. The goddess eyed the occupied pair 'riding' Argo and smirked. "I should be so lucky."

Xena gave a yelp and instantly the tiny bard stopped what she was doing. "Xena are you OK? If it hurts I could..." She trailed off as the warrior grabbed her and proceeded to make her yelp - repeatedly.

"You know Argo, I LIKE you," said Aphrodite conversationally. If the mare had had an eyebrow to arch she would have arched it. She didn't, so she made do with a disbelieving snort in the goddess' ear. Aphrodite cringed in disgust. "Oh alright then, I DON'T like you, but I'm critically bored. There's nothing to do on the big O and all the sexy gods are taken - not that that's ever stopped me before... I wanna spice things up a bit. Tell you what, Argo, I'll make you a deal." The women atop Argo tensed and then simultaneously dug their boots into Argo's sides as they screamed release.

Keep talking, grumbled the mare.

Argo blinked to clear her throbbing head. One moment she had been wishing for a good backrub - NOT the kind the enthusiastic duo riding were inadverdently giving her, the next she found herself standing beside the road on her own two feet. "I ...I'm HUMAN," she whispered in disbelief. A very different Aphrodite eyed her speculatively.

"Not a bad looking human either!" She sounded surprised and Argo glared at her balefully. "Well I thought you'd have a really big nose," muttered the goddess defensively. Argo strode over to peer into a nearby puddle. A relatively tall woman with creamy skin, a wild mane of golden palomino hair and smooth brown eyes gazed up at her. She glanced back at Aphrodite for reassurance and for the first time really focused on the goddess. Aphrodite was modelling Xena's leather outfit, fingering the chakram in an obvious pose. "Meet Aphrodite: Warrior Princess!" she proclaimed triumphantly. "Ow, I've cut myself," she whined, quickly removing her hand from the offending chakram.

"More like Aphrodite: incompetent bimbo," muttered Argo under her breath.

"We meet again, oh mighty 'Dite," purred a strangely familiar voice as another goddess manifested before them in a hazy greenish-gold glow.

"Gabby!" gasped Argo, eyes bulging as she witnessed the little bard's body squeezed into an inky black catsuit.

"Pleasssse, dumb mortal, it's Gabrielle, goddess of war," hissed the ex-bard indignantly. She turned her back on the dumbfounded woman and faced off with a giggling Aphrodite. "Come back to me, Aphrodite," she whispered seductively. "With you by my side we could conquer the world and reign supreme!"

"Sorry, no dice Gabrielle," grinned Aphrodite. Argo could have sworn that the little strawberry-blonde looked immensely relieved at the refusal. "I'm no longer the heartless monster that crushed Greece under-boot, I've REFORMED." Gabrielle gave a genuine smile,

"Good for you!" When Aphrodite gaped at her she hurriedly corrected herself. "I mean good for you that I arrived just in time. The world needs you, Warrior Princess - devilish guttersnipes are in short supply."

As if in answer to her call a warrior and sidekick duo strolled up. Argo felt the hairs on her neck bristle as she recognised a familiar repulsive face - Joxer the Insignificant, only he looked a little different. Although he still wore his ridiculous excuse for armor, he seemed bigger and more robust. With a cold shock Argo realised that the warrior-wimp actually sported muscles for the first time in his life. In actual fact his whole body rippled and Argo felt her pulse ripple in response. Standing a good head taller than Joxer, looking nervous for perhaps the first time ever, hunched Xena. She wore a blue variation of Gabrielle's trademark croptop and clenched a staff in her hand.

Gabrielle's eyes lighted up. Aphrodite sidled over to Argo. "Things are starting to get interesting, don't ya think?"

"Well Hellooooo," the war goddess practically panted in a quivering Xena's ear. She backed off a little to look Xena up and down appreciatively. "I like your top." Probing aqua eyes used that excuse to study Xena's cleavage. Suddenly the intoxicating view was cut off as Joxer stepped in front of his sidekick and addressed his deity.

"My goddess, once again I pledge my allegiance to you, I honour you and..." He was cut off by Gabrielle's small powerful hand closing around his beefy throat and hoisting him off to the side. "Can't you see I'm engaged in a riveting conversation, Joke?" She placed a casual hand up on Xena's broad shoulder. "So who are you and how come I've never had the pleasure of seeing," her eyes combed Xena's body, "you before?" Joxer made use of his ample muscles to push himself to his feet.

"My name is Joxer the Mighty," he whined. Gabrielle nodded impatiently.

"Sure, sure, whatever you say, Joke." Xena's bright blue eyes sparkled as she told the curious goddess,

"I'm Xena and I'm a bard." Argo felt faint at the unlikely revelation, Aphrodite guffawed into Joxer's nearby rock-hard chest and Joxer grinned stupidly at his feet for no apparent reason.

Gabrielle smiled winningly up at the 6 foot bard. "You know who I am." Xena squiggled a pattern in the ground with her boot.

"Yeah, you're Gabrielle, goddess of war." The little goddess' lips curled upwards in self-satisfaction. "So tell me a story about ME Xena." The tall bard shifted from side to side and cleared her throat relunctantly:

"I sing of Gabrielle, gorgeous goddess of war. Uh she um tries to get Aphrodite: Warrior Bimbo back into her fold alot, so far she's kinda uh failed and um er she looks really really really hot in skin-tight leather, um yeah. That's about it." Gabrielle looked extremely put out.

"THAT'S it?" Joxer rushed to his sidekick's defence.

"Look Gabrielle, there hasn't been ONE war, ONE squirmish, even ONE argument since you took up your godhood. Maybe you should consider quitting your day job - I hear you're one helluva contortionist in a seedy little bar, three times a fortnight..." Next thing Joxer knew, he was flying through the air and the furiously blushing war goddess disappeared in a huff. Xena stared longingly after her,

"maybe I should work a little on that story." Argo sensed the bard's disappointment and felt bad for her. She siddled up to her like she usually did to provide comfort and rubbed her head against Xena's shoulder. When she felt Xena backing away and heard Aphrodite's mad giggling she came to herself and pulled away hurriedly. It was so hard to remember that she was human now. Aphrodite took charge of the situation.

"I'll go look for Joxer and see if he needs some loving... er medical attention. Why don't you be a PET and escort Xena to the next village, Argo?"

Xena and Argo sat together at Snakecharmia tavern's bar in comfortable silence. Xena inclined her head appreciatively and hoisted her ale. "I love this brew, it's top notch." Argo wrinkled her lips at the wholely unfamiliar taste and then spit out the burning liquid as another god took the stage. In a blinding flash of purple, a portly Salmoneus swathed in pink silk appeared atop the bar.

"Did someone say love?" he demanded.

"Did someone not see the 'no gods allowed sign'?" asked Xena ever so innocently, causing Argo to whinny into her wine. Now THIS was the Xena she knew and carted around the countryside. The round pink bundle decidedly ignored the bard's derisive comment and addressed the bar's occupants.

"It is I, Sal your Pal!" Another oddly familiar tavern patron drunkenly stumbled his way to Argo's side, picked up her mug and gargled. When he finally turned to leer unsteadily in her general direction she shook her golden palomino head in disbelief. A totally trashed Ares dribbled onto his full black beard while winking up a storm.

"Whattsa matter Ares?" asked Xena with false sincerity, leaning across Argo casually. "Is that tic playing up again?" The drunk glowered at her but kept right on winking.

"Why don't you go hold your head under the barrel, you irritating brunette. Maybe the mead might loosen your tounge enough that you'll manage to come up with a decent story for a change. Your bored audiences don't exactly relish your one-liners, Y'know?"

A pudgy pinkish foot planted itself between the glaring faces causing both to draw back quickly in disgust. "I am god of love," Salmoneus proclaimed. He placed his hands on his nonexistent hips and puffed his chest out. "I am the epitome of physical perfection, the object of everyone's desires. I'm too sexy for myself!"

"And they wonder why I'm into women," mumbled Xena as she inched her stool away from the primping love god. Ares told Argo,

"If you ever wondered why horseback riding's our national pastime, well we've got this egotistical blob to thank for that. Every time I go to say the 'L' word I get this nightmarish vision of pink silk and pink... Ugh, well needless to say I have to drink incessantly just to survive!" He burped to punctuate and bared yellow teeth at Argo in a wolfish smile. The ex-mare had trotted around with Xena for enough seasons to know how to respond when an extremely unattractive extremely drunk ex-wargod made a pass at her.

"Toothache?" she enquired in mock sympathy. Ares looked confused and tried his trademark leer again, this time with an accompanying inviting growl. Argo did her best to look concerned. "Are you going to be sick?"

Ares just wouldn't give up. He swiveled his stool to face an uneasy Argo and winked suggestively - many, many times. "How 'bout we go for a wild RIDE?" he slurred. Argo flared her nostrils at him. Salmoneus chose that moment to make an impromptu declaration.

"Put your hands together folks to welcome the lover of the century - Hercules the Indestructible!" Argo craned her neck in search of the blond hunk. He was nowhere to be seen. She nudged Xena who was busy laboriously sharpening her quill.

"Where IS Hercules?" A stranger's falsetto voice piped up,

"I'm Hercules the Indestructible!" Argo did a double take as she took in a skinny beanpole with ankle-length oily hair.

"H ... H ... Herc?" she stuttered in disbelief. Ares clapped the 7 foot stick on his narrow back, sending him flying over the bar.

"Hey Bro, ya still got it! You still render the women speechless."

Hercules clambered clumsily to his very large feet and bared yellow teeth at Argo in a fair unattractively-drunk-Ares imitation. "Gods help me," implored Argo, leaning as far back as she could without falling off her stool. Salmoneus promptly deposited his bulk on the counter in front of her.

"Gladly, fair wench. Salmoneus the love god understands that you are overcome with desire for a real man." Argo glanced uneasily at Xena. Pudgy hands cupped her cheeks and re-directed her uneasy gaze to Hercules, who was unsuccessfully trying to keep his baggy crocodile-skin pants from pooling around his knobly ankles.

"And they wonder why I'm into women," murmured Xena AGAIN in Argo's rather large and pointed ear. She focused on Hercules wading within his trousers towards them. "Pitiful." The 'real man' stopped in front of Xena and watched with interest as she methodically sharpened her quill. Icy blue eyes shifted from her quill to his own very personal, very non-consequential quill and lit up in unholy glee. She sharpened even faster. Hercules tripped himself up backing away from her.

Argo decided that Ares was right - being drunk was a requirement for sanity in this reality. She thumped a clenched fist on the bar. "Barkeeper, do you have any molasses?" The barkeep turned around for the first time and revealed himself to be a very human Phantes. He winked conspiratorially at her.

"Out in the stables along with all the other good stuff: y'know, oats, bran, hay..." Argo's mouth watered but before she could take action, the love god was acting emcee and making introductions for the night's entertainment. He gestured towards the makeshift stage and proclaimed,

"get ready to gyrate, guys and gals! It's time for that happy hestian virgin we all lurve, 'Gabriella without a fella', doing her impersonation of a snake getting the cricks out of its scaly hide!" Xena sat bolt upright. Argo heard her mutter disbelievingly,

"she's a virgin?!" A slow and rather evil smile crept over Xena's sculpted features as she forcibly lifted her stool from its welding and moved over next to the stage.

"Now this is what I call entertainment," slurred Ares as the lamps dimmed, strategic candles were lit and the entire bar began to pulse to the intermingled rhythm of bongo drums and haunting pipes. Salmoneus did a little shimmy on the bar and nearby patrons quickly found an excuse to move to tables on the opposite side of the room.

"Ooooh Joxer-woxer, what a big sword you have!" cooed Aphrodite from the doorway. Argo wished she had a tail to swish in annoyance. Ares leaned in close to wink at Argo, again and again and again.

"If 'Dite's a Warrior Princess than you're a nag," he decided solemnly. She looked searchingly into his knowing, constantly winking mud brown eyes and decided that his comment was just the result of an overactive drunk imagination.

"Tell me Ares, how could any self-respecting goddess of war do a strip act in a mortal's bar?" she asked, curious to gauge his reaction. Ares dug his finger in his ear determinedly and gave her a slobbery grin.

"That's a joke isn't it - wait I know the answer. There's no such thing as a self-respecting goddess, hee hee hee." Aphrodite had arrived at the bar in time to hear Argo's question. She glared at the guffawing Ares then twirled a leather skirt flap at a fascinated Joxer.

"This seedy bar is the nutbread capital of the world," she commented to Argo as though in passing.

Hercules waded over. "Ephiny, goddess of strife, spikes all the drinks and all the food every evening." Argo shook her palomino golden mane in wonder,

"Ephiny is the goddess of strife? Where is she right now?" Joxer pumped his biceps in response.

"Eph? Oh she's in the stables like she is every night. Horses are her hobby." Aphrodite giggled out,

"yeah she does wonders with them and for them, if y'know what I mean." Phantes handed an intrigued Argo a menu and she was astonished to find a list of ingredients included for the patrons' perusal.

"Nutbread," she read out loud, "contains assorted nuts, bread and henbane." She glanced over to the inebriated goddess of war who was weaving about the stage, much to Xena's awe and ecstacy. "Well that explains that." She turned her attention back to the revealing menu. "Rabbit: contains assorted rodents liberally garnished with the cheapest wine available."

"Yummy, barkeep I'll have some rabbit," decided Joxer. Aphrodite chewed on his protruding ear.

"I'll have some JOXER." Ares shook his twitching face sadly at Argo and told her,

"Aphrodite's just never been the same since she REFORMED - she's been desperate."

"What are you drinking?" Argo asked, pondering what could possibly make his breath smell so bad.

"Bacchae Juice," smirked Ares. Argo read aloud,

"Bacchae Juice: potent mixure of you know what and if you don't, visit Indoctrination of Blood-Sucking Initiates Night at Bacchus' private cavern." Argo felt very sick. Phantes helpfully placed a steaming dish of what looked suspiciously like rat's tails in front of her. Nausea overpowered the tall palomino woman, who ran from the bar and bent over in the outside bushes.

Meanwhile, Xena stared longingly at the scantily clad war goddess slithering her way across the stage and let out a gusty sigh. "I think I'm in love," she mused aloud. The tall bard felt inspired but not to write any prose or poetry. Ideas filled her mind in a steady rushing stream but her thoughts were more pictures than stories. Gabrielle inched steadily over to her and willingly allowed the muscular brunette to insert a dinar into her cleavage.

"Sheena, you're lookin' so xexy t'night," she purred. The dark-haired bard was riveted in place. She licked her lips and opened her mouth to say something bardic. Gabrielle saw an open opportunity and dived in to take it. "Shut up you mouthy bard and kiss me." Xena complied instantly. The bar's patrons lined up with their dinars behind a writhing Xena, praying for a turn with the lucious goddess. Salmoneus hopped up and down in aggitation at the familiar sight of two women glued together.

"How nice of Gabrielle to be administering mouth to mouth to the bard that just fainted," he commented loudly to the bar in general. "And our savage war goddess caught her in a deathgrip before her lifeless body slid to the ground as well! Bravo." Everyone ignored him except for Ares who winked at him quizzically and enquired,

"isn't love what you DO, Sal?" The pink and portly god screamed out,

"pay attention to ME, c'mon people, I'm your local grecian spudstuffin, I mean studmuffin!" Ares blew bubbles into his Bacchae juice. In desperation Salmoneus decided to act. Pointing a pudgy finger at Xena he turned her into a brawny man.

Still sticking her eager tongue down Xena's throat, Gabrielle squinted at the transformed bard through half-closed eyes and slurred, "that'sh a good look on you, Sheena. Verrrrry good., However, when Xena realised what had happened she pulled away from her enchanting exploration and exclaimed indignantly,

"A man?! I don't wanna be a MAN." The panting war goddess followed the frigid blue eyes from Hercules pulling up his pants to Ares blowing bubbles from his nostrils to Joxer chasing himself around in a circle to Phantes studdying his compact butt with a bemused expression on his face to Salmoneus stripping pink silk off of himself with gay abandon.

"I can relate to that," agreed Gabrielle, wrinkling her nose. She pointed a retaliatory finger at the love god, turning him into a woman with curly gray hair.

Salmoneus looked down at his generously proportioned chest and grinned widely. "I'm gifted! This is what I've always wanted. Thanks Gabby." He squatted down in front of Ares and it was the drunk's turn to lean his stool as far back as possible. Argo chose to re-enter the bar and groaned when she found the ruckus was that much worse than before. Xena was poking her former hero, Joxer with her carefully sharpened quill and he was squeaking and trying to escape. Having Xena break off their kiss seemed to have enraged Gabrielle into a truly war-goddess-like bloodlusting fervor. She kicked her long line of admirers over like they were dominoes and grabbed Ares' Bacchae Juice from the bar. Downing it in one gulp, she advanced menacingly on Aphrodite.

"Come back to me, Warrior Princess," she literally snarled from between razor-sharp fangs.

"This is NOT good," muttered Argo, backing away from the confrontations nervously. She was vaguely aware of Sallymoneus chatting up Hercules.

"There might not be much of you, loverboy, but you're more than man enough for me!" Hercules backed away and his pants fell down yet again. The love god/goddess gasped, "Oooh you're eager, Herc! Come to Sally."

Argo turned away only to find herself eye to eye with a grinning Phantes. "I like your style, woman," he told her. "I think you have those ANIMAL instincts. Wanna ride my pony?" Argo kicked him in the groin.

"Aphrodite!" she yelled. "Change it back! This reality is a disaster zone." Aphrodite yanked her chakram from her belt as Gabrielle advanced for the literal kill.

"Owwww, I cut myself," she whined. With an unearthly screech the war goddess lept for her throat. Aphrodite echoed the screech and snapped her fingers - just in time.

Argo plodded down the road while Gabrielle the bard hung from one stirrup while Xena: Warrior Princess ravaged her. "Back to boring normalness," whinged Aphrodite from the horse's head. It takes a special kind of woman to be a horse, Argo observed more contentedly than she had for a long while. "It doesn't take a special kind of woman to be a NAG," giggled Aphrodite. Argo tried to nip her. The love goddess leapt away and admonished, "none of that now. I've had more than enough biting from Gabby today." She glanced at the riders. "So has Xena, I should think!" Just then Joxer stumbled from the bushes lining the road and hailed the entwined couple.

"Hey Xena, Gabby, whatcha doin? Can I come? Pleasssssse?" Aphrodite took one look at the clanking absurdity and disappeared, blushing madly in extreme embarrasment. Gabrielle's golden head was buried in Xena's breasts and the gasping warrior grated out to Joxer,

"Gab's checking me for injuries. I think an arrow pierced my heart and I DON'T LIKE MEN seeing me hurt so go see if you can catch yourself." A goofy sentimental smile split Joxer's face.

"Aww, Xena, you and Gabby are such good friends - it's so sweet. And that's a really good idea, I've never tried to catch myself before." Argo set a brisk pace, glad to leave the warrior wannabe behind.

"Ohhhhh Gabriellllle, you're a godessss!" screamed Xena, powerful thighs pressing tightly into Argo's flanks. You'll never guess which one, whickered the mare dryly.

THE END