"The Night After 'The Quest'"

Spoiler Warning : This work is set the night after the episode "The Quest" but before the beginning of "A Necessary Evil." Many of the events from "The Quest" are referenced here so if you haven't seen that episode, you might wish to skip this.

Subtext / Sex Warning : Although nothing explicit happens in this work, it is basically an extended double entendre. In addition, there are mature themes and situations, as well as implied intimate relations between women. If that is not for you, either because of inclination or the laws of your area, skip this.

Xenite Disclaimer : Autolycus' outstanding staff was not permanently harmed during the production of this work.

Author's Note : I suppose this could be considered a sequel of sorts to "The Morning After 'A Day In The Life,'" but the two are essentially unrelated. Besides, this one is even less subtle. Have you ever wondered why Autolycus didn't stick around Amazon territory long enough to be caught up in Goddess Velaska's rampage? Here's why...

*****

Autolycus was a hero. The Amazons all agreed that he was, Gabrielle agreed wholeheartedly, and even Xena herself agreed - though she might not be wholly impartial, considering that she was the one that he had helped bring back from the dead. But that was alright, he mused, he didn't mind in the least. He was happy to accept her thanks - and the favor he might very well need to collect later.

The king of thieves was fully in his element at the celebration - a hastily assembled affair celebrating Gabrielle's coronation, Xena's return to life, and the defeat of Velaska - basking in the glow of the Amazons' praises, drinking toasts to the revived warrior princess, and watching the supple gyrations of the dancers. He was having a good time, and everything seemed perfect - not even his broken arm could repress him for long. It wasn't until very recently, when the evening began drawing to a close, that his problem really impressed itself as dire on his mind.

He was horny. Not horny in the "my pants are a little too tight" way, but horny in the "Sweet Aphrodite, I need some action so bad it's liable to fall off if I don't get some relief" way.

Of course, it wasn't his fault, he virtuously told himself. Gabrielle was the one who'd invited him to stay for the party. He'd wanted to leave - but oh, no... little Gabrielle wouldn't hear of it. She just had to invite him to stay, and after batting those melting eyes at him, he simply couldn't refuse her. Now, he dearly wished he'd been able to.

Being surrounded by half-naked women - in leather, by Eros! - tends to give the most virtuous of men not-so virtuous ideas. And, needless to say, the king of thieves was not the most virtuous of men... and the thoughts running through his mind as he watched a trio of toned, muscular, and shapely Amazons undulate around a fire wearing little more than body paint were enough to make a madam blush.

Ordinarily, that wouldn't have been a problem. A dashing rogue like me, he reminded himself, (unconsciously fingering his mustache at the thought) usually attracts the ladies in droves. He could usually take care of his little - figuratively! he fiercely thought, not literally - problem in no time at all. But not this time, though. The trouble was that he was surrounded by Amazons - women whose uses for men were solely procreative. To put it bluntly, his charms were utterly wasted on them.

When he'd tentatively broached the idea of a liaison to a sweet young thing who'd been hanging around him for much of the evening - she looked absolutely breathtaking in her leather bra and miniskirt - she'd actually had the temerity to laugh at him. She'd actually laughed at me! he thought in shock, still not quite able to accept the concept. She'd left the party soon after her refusal with another sweet young thing instead.

All night long, Amazons had been pairing (and some other combinations) up and heading off to their huts, leaving him to indulge his imagination in idle speculation of what exactly they were doing in there - which didn't exactly help his problem. Seeing - and sometimes smelling! - them after they came back, rumpled and happy, didn't help much, either.

It'd gotten so bad, he'd finally resolved to take matters into his own hands earlier in the evening. He'd headed off into the woods, opened his pants and pulled out "l'il Auto," with his one good hand and was ready to get some relief... and then things had gone utterly and completely wrong.

The laughter from the Amazon guard posted in the tree directly above his head utterly killed the idea, if not the feeling. If anything, it actually made it worse. Looking up to see the source of the amusement, he'd stared directly up her skirt... and learned the answer to the old question of "what did Amazons wear under their leathers."

"Must be why they're so grumpy all the time," he idly speculated, sipping at his wine. "Chafing."

It was clear the Amazons were not going to help him solve his problem, which narrowed his choices considerably. Glancing around the party, he realized it had been winnowed down to exactly two : Xena or Gabrielle.

Shivering, Autolycus quickly dismissed the idea of hitting on Xena. Although she was eminently attractive, she was also a friend. Even setting aside the possible pain he might feel - emotional or physical - if she felt insulted by his offer, it would almost be like putting the moves on a sister - a tall, lovely sister clad in skimpy leather... Shaking his head he firmly dismissed the idea before his desires drove him to do something he might regret.

He was leery of Xena for another reason, too. She had been sitting in his head for the past few days, learning who knows what about him... She hadn't said anything about it, but when he'd first discovered she was lurking in his head, he'd firmly told himself he would not think about anything sexual : none of his conquests, none of his fantasies, none of his favorite practices. Naturally, once he'd decided not to do it, that was all that had dominated his thoughts. Best not to think about what she'd been able to pick up - he was keyed up enough as it was.

Unfortunately, that left only Gabrielle. Not that she was bad looking. Who knew Xena's sidekick was the Queen of the Amazons? He certainly hadn't. While this would seem to indicate she would be uninterested in his advances as well, she wasn't born an Amazon, so maybe she wouldn't be quite as... dismissive of his attentions.

Boy, had she changed! he mused, still shocked by the visible alterations. The first time he'd seen her, she'd looked so young and innocent... and almost frumpy, hidden within those baggy, concealing clothes. It was almost hard to believe the woman sitting so majestically at the head table was the same person. She'd gained confidence. She'd gained dignity. She'd gained maturity. She'd also gained a very nice leather wardrobe.

The first time he'd seen her in her Amazon leathers... He shivered in delighted reminiscence, letting his eyes roam freely over her scantily clad frame. It did marvelous things for her. And for him, he admitted to himself, even if they were contributing to his current state.

Still, she'd somehow managed to retain a degree of her fresh-faced innocence and her optimism - a paragon of simple village youth. The blend of seductive innocence she exuded as she sat so regally before her subjects was heady indeed, and he would have lusted after it even were she not the only eligible woman in town.

Only one thing prevented him from immediately pursuing his chosen prey : Xena.

He'd been shocked to find himself kissing Gabrielle when Xena returned control of his body to him - and oh boy, did that little blonde know how to use those lips, he remembered. True, Gabrielle had stopped it as soon as she realized who was in control, but perhaps it was simply because his body - once it was under his control again - had responded too eagerly to the familiar situation. Or maybe Xena had done it. If he was going to be wholly honest with himself, he had to admit he honestly didn't know when his hand had dropped down to cradle and caress that firm, muscular swell...

Clearing his throat, and shaking off the memory that had his palms sweating, Autolycus forced himself to think rationally. Was she... with Xena, or just with Xena? He didn't know for sure.

Actually, he wondered if anyone - other than the two of them, of course - really knew for sure. The last time he'd gotten together with Hercules and Iolaus, he'd happened to overhear an argument they were having with Salmoneus about that very point.

Salmoneus had been quite adamant in his belief that they were involved, "A proud warrioress has needs, y'know," he'd proclaimed. Too true, they'd all agreed, though when pressed, Salmoneus had admitted that he had never actually seen anything to definitively prove the point. Hercules had simply professed that it was possible. Iolaus' denial of any intimate involvement between the two women had rung hollow to his ears, and from Iolaus' expression, it had in his own as well.

So maybe she was involved, Autolycus thought, rising to refill his mug from a nearby keg. That didn't mean she couldn't have other interests. He wasn't looking for a commitment... just some relief.

He'd heard her comment on the appearance of several good-looking young men the last time they'd been together. Xena's rolling of her eyes had implied it was a familiar situation, so she was at least open to the possibilities. All he'd have to do was turn on the charm - although to be safe, it would have to be when Xena wasn't around - and maybe he'd be able to sit down comfortably again.

Smirking, Autolycus mentally laid out his plan of attack. First, compliment her village and how great a leader she was. Second, hint at the pain of his injury - an injury gained while restoring her best friend to life and defeating the pretender to her throne. Oh, yeah, he mused, that'll work. A bit of good fellowship, a hint of needing comfort, and sweet, innocent Gabrielle would be all over him. Another perfect plan created by (he stroked his mustache) the king of thieves. He adjusted himself in his seat and got comfortable, watching for just the right moment to put his plan into action.

It took a while - it was several more mugs of wine later, in fact - before Xena left Gabrielle's side. She'd been drinking much more heavily than he and clearly had to avail herself of the facilities. The small window of opportunity this afforded was all the opening he needed. Once Gabrielle was alone and unguarded, Autolycus made his move.

"So, Gabrielle... it's a very nice party," he commented, sitting down beside her.

"Yes, it is," she smiled in return. "Are you having a good time?"

"Oh yes, a very good time. This village is lovely, and there are so many wonderful things to see." He carefully kept his eyes away from the dancers as he complimented her. He didn't want to give her the right idea, after all.

"I know." Gabrielle's smile was so open, and friendly, and innocent, it sent a delicious tingle racing through his spine. "We don't get to visit very often, but I really feel so at home here with my sisters."

"I'm glad... Perhaps you could show me around?" he hinted.

"It's a little late, isn't it Autolycus?"

Not for what I want to do, he thought to himself. Aloud, he commented, "Oh no... it's just the right time. The moonlight adds mystery, it brings out the beauty and the magic in the mundane. Perhaps we could visit that river we stopped by... maybe see those rapids by the moonlight?"

"It's dark, Autolycus," Gabrielle reminded him.

"We're in the middle of Amazon territory, surrounded by heavily armed warriors. You'll be perfectly safe... I'll be with you." Her expression conveyed her thoughts about that clearly. "Bring your staff if you feel you need protection."

"It's not that," she trailed off.

She wasn't interested, but still felt oddly flattered. The last time they'd been together, she'd felt like his feelings for her lay somewhere between "annoying kid sister" and "little girl." Now his feelings had obviously changed - he wasn't exactly being subtle in this seduction attempt.

"Come on," Autolycus wheedled gently, "think of it as training. Even with this bum arm Velaska gave me, I can show you things with a staff these Amazons simply can't do."

Well, that was even less subtle, Gabrielle mused. "No, I don't think so," she told him. With a wicked grin and a sparkle in her eye, she added "If I was going to go out tonight, I think I'd go to a cave."

"After the last cave we were in, I'd think you would be leery of caves for a while," Autolycus blinked.

"That wasn't really a cave - more of a hidden temple," Gabrielle reminded him. "Besides, caves are much more fun than staves."

Was Gabrielle really that innocent that she hadn't realized what he'd meant? "Somehow I doubt that," he murmured.

"Oh, but it's true," Gabrielle's grin widened - try to use double entendres to seduce a bard would he... He had no idea what he was getting himself into. "You really want to know why I love caves?"

"Oh, sure," the king of thieves sighed. This had been pointless. Despite her newfound maturity, she still was obviously much too innocent for him.

"With a cave you can explore... you can delve deep within, searching out every nook and cranny." Her voice lingered lovingly as she drew out the syllables. "You can penetrate its furthest recesses searching, feeling, probing for the secrets in its depths."

Was she talking about... the man abruptly thought, startled. Nahhh... couldn't be.

"And some caves have never been explored," Gabrielle continued, warming to her subject. "You might have to force your way through a barrier to truly plumb the innermost reaches, but once you do... it's a sensation unlike any other. Once you make your way inside, you know you're venturing where no man or woman has even been before... it's simply glorious. I just love doing that; it's so stimulating..."

Autolycus pulled on the collar of his tunic. He was having a little trouble controlling his breathing for some reason.

"And live caves are wonderful," her eyes lit up as she explained. "Far in the back of some caves, liquid forces its way up out of the depths of the earth. Its not just water... its from deep within the core, pure, delightful, savory... delicious. Some caves are simply awash in it... you can drink and drink and they never run dry." She slowly moistened her lips with the delicate tip of her pink tongue, each movement drawn out and languid as though the flavor still lingered on her lips.

Licking his own suddenly dry lips, Autolycus couldn't think of a single thing to say.

"And the walls are absolutely fascinating. You'd think that cave walls are all alike - but they're not. Some ripple around you like the waves on a windblown pond, while some are smoother than the finest silk from Ch'in. True, some are harder than others, but some are so soft they seem to melt around your fingers. The texture of the walls as you rub your fingertips against them is so incredible," she gushed, visibly shivering in delighted memory.

"And the heat... its welcoming and sheltering at the same time," she chuckled softly. "Even when the wind is howling and its cold outside, in a cave you can find warmth. If you go deep enough, you'll even find yourself safely protected, nestled snugly within the body of the earth... You can be enfolded in a loving embrace by a cave. Even though the walls may sometimes seem to close in upon you, acting like it never wants to let you go, sucking you ever deeper into its depths, you simply can't beat the feeling."

Autolycus opened his mouth to interrupt, his problem growing with every word she uttered, but Gabrielle continued before he could speak a single word. "And the entrances... the mouth opening against the gentle swell of a hillock or mound, buried in a cleft parting the earth like a hidden tunnel to a Queen's treasure. No two caves are ever exactly alike you know," she told him seriously. "Some are a little wider, some are a little longer, some are so small you don't think you can ever get inside, while others are so big you just know other people must have passed through. Sometimes," she added, "I like to simply wait there, not entering, and trace it, touching all the intricacies. It's... primal. Magical. It makes you feel so connected. Caressing the opening, you can just know that its a portal to the deeper reaches and the wonders lying beyond."

He had thought this girl was still innocent? Autolycus wanted to hide, but Gabrielle implacably continued, each word making him twitch a little more - and in more ways than one.

"And the area around the entrance is fascinating, too," she explained, her eyes glittering in the firelight. "The best ones are found nestled in a valley, where the curves of the landscape funnel you directly to the entrance.

"Oh, and the plants! Did you know that plants often grow above the mouths of caves? Xena says its because of the moisture, but it doesn't really matter why. Sometimes they grow all around the entrance, seeming to hide it behind a veil, while other times they simply frame the opening. Above some openings there's thick, brushy thatch, above others there's just mossy growths, and sometimes there's just nothing there... it's smooth and bare. Have you ever noticed that?" she asked Autolycus, barely suppressed mirth glinting in her eyes.

"Yes," Autolycus coughed, trying to free the lump in his throat. "I've noticed that too."

"I've been travelling with Xena for almost two years now, you knew that, right?"

"Right," he managed to reply.

"Well it was Xena who really showed me how wonderful caves can be. At first I didn't know what to think... after all, I grew up in a small town - what did I know about such things? I mean I knew I enjoyed exploring caves, but... who knew? After a while though, as I became more experienced, I finally came to the realization that I really love everything about caves."

"Well, I can certainly understand that," the thief murmured.

"So I don't think I really want to play with a staff tonight. Do you understand?" she asked gently, though her expression remained firm.

"Perfectly," he nodded. Looking over her shoulder, he saw Xena returning from her ablutions. "Xena's a lucky woman to have you around."

Gabrielle's small blush made her look even more adorable than before, and strengthened his resolve to find relief... and soon. "Your majesty," he rose and bowed floridly, the alcohol he'd consumed making it a trifle more precarious than he'd like, "if you'll excuse me, I think I'll get far, far away from here tonight. If I'm going to have to practice with my staff by myself, I think it would be best to do it when I'm alone."

"I understand perfectly," she told him. It was hard to miss his point - not even the hem of his tunic could hide its condition. "Just make sure you pass the stream before you start - the guards might see you practicing otherwise. They like to watch, but staff practice is something you really should do without any observers. Believe me, I know what's its like to have somebody watching you - it can make you too nervous to do your best."

She'd known all along! he realized. Why that sneaky... He nodded once in wary respect and acknowledgement, then turned and headed into the woods, moving just short of a run, his condition and his arm limiting his speed. He wanted to leave Amazon territory far, far behind him. Hmm, Meg's "Tavern" wasn't very far away, he mused...

Xena watched Autolycus flee, then sank down beside Gabrielle. "What were you talking about that made him run away so quickly?"

"Spelunking," Gabrielle grinned demurely. "And staffwork."

"What?" the warrior asked.

"It's not important," she smiled up at her friend, then drew her into a crushing embrace. "Have I shown you yet how glad I am that you're alive?"

"No," Xena admitted, surprised by the sudden demonstration of affection.

"Come with me," the Amazon Queen ordered, rising to her feet.

"Gladly," the warrior replied, joining her.

Together they headed for the Queen's hut, arms wrapped around each other in support. It had been a very long day.

THE END